This day was the day I have most looked forward to and the one I was most nervous about – the first real day of lectures and workshop. I’ve described the residency to others as a two-week conference and it has a lot of those markers with the exception that we’re all focused in the same direction and the ones already in the program have this sense of community that one does not usually see at conferences. My cohort is getting there, thankfully not falling into cliques (a natural possiblity given the size of our group). We watch out for each other, try to get to know each other and I think the cohesion is coming together. I do feel a bit on the fringe simply for being off-campus and for being in the dual-program. It’s a subtle thing, a choice on my part, parcel of the way I tend to be in large groups. At night, whenever there’s a social, I manage to mingle for about 10 minutes before bolting home. I’m becoming comfortable with being alone as well as with small knots of people at lecture. I had a dread going into this day that I have my crash soon and I wasn’t looking forward to it – in fact, I hoped that I would skip it altogether. Skipping this, though, would likely mean I wasn’t fully engaged emotionally and that was something I knew would hamper the experience too. Balancing it all was challenging.
One bonus of the day was getting my Amazon package finally containing a copy of Alexie’s new YA book and a Voyager deck. It’s such a cute deck, smaller than the previous version which makes it easier to shuffle. I found myself in conversations about Tarot in general with a couple of folks which was a bit of a mindbender. The deck really does lend itself well to writing with it’s vibrant collages perfect for the Jungian mind looking for associations.
Over the course of the day, I attended four lectures (three faculty and one graduate) all really excellent. I’ll blog about these in a separate post, I think (::Addendum – in thinking about possible copyright issues, I’ve made these posts private and I’ll be giving general topics/lecturers available only in the future::). The workshop was pretty standard format, with the exception that the participants are all really good with their comments, both positive and challenging. I did find myself on opposite ends at times, and perhaps too reticent, but I think that eventually as we get to know each other, we’ll be able to have better conversations. My pieces are up for critique tomorrow and if it hadn’t been for the kind words of a couple of faculty about my application pieces, I likely would be more hesitant about the critiques to come.
After so many years of doing my best to make writing classes bend to what I need to learn and ending up doing genres I was only tangentially interested in (oh, say like poetry when I wanted to do memoir, flash fiction when I wanted to do Fantasy, short story/novels when I wanted to children’s picture books), it was a bit of a culture shock to be in a room where I was trying to learn what I actually wanted to learn…and realizing that I had little in my pocket to offer in the way of new work. That’s what made Kathi Appelt’s and Julie Larios’ words so meaningful – I’d set out to write for children, they write for children, they teach children’s writing, and they /like/ my work. Amazing. A place where I don’t have to overly explain or apologize or hear “oh that’s interesting, but I won’t be able to help you with that.”
After years of disappointment and making do, to finally have what I want is really quite novel and disorienting.
My anticipated breakdown came after the last lecture – Louise Hawes offered an excercise in emotional depth that sent me over the edge. I knew the work was good for me, but I also know that my crying was upsetting to others and that’s always embarrassing. Thankfully, MaryAnn from the picture book cohort came over and comforted me, even giving me a few tips and excercises to work through the painful thoughts. Quite a few of my cohort checked in on me the rest of the evening, allowing me to be normal again, which was really sweet and supportive too. I went to bed exhausted after the faculty readings and after trying to reach my family at the company picnic they were enjoying. I have a bad feeling that I’ve fried my cel phone. (I put my water bottle in my purse with my cel. I don’t think the bottle leaked, but I think the moisture on the surface may have gotten on the cel phone and fried it. I can dial out, but can’t get the person on the other end to hear me). Unfortunately, I think my neoprene allergy and the heat has caught up with me and I have welts on my neck from my CPAP straps. Not quite sure what to do about that yet.
